Soul For Sale, Priced To Move
This advertisement is for one gently-used, tenderly-loved soul. It’s been through a number of relatively short term leases to this point, and I feel as though it’s time for a permanent owner. It’s a bit blackened around the edges, but otherwise presents as a genuinely new fresh-out-of-the-box soul. Unforunately, I can’t provide photos at the moment because my camera is broken. Trust me though, it’s nere-cherry.
I expect this to garner a lot of interest so get your offer in today. All offers will be subject to credit check or request for cash up front.
Please email offers and questions to oscarmonteforte@gmail.com.
Please no nude photos. I’m disinterested in barter.
Must be a non-smoker.
Oscar Likes To Eat…
I was tagged to do this by someone on Facebook. I googled my name and the random verb “eats”. These are the first 10 things that come up. My smartass comments are in parens.
Oscar Eats With An Indian Twist. Friend of The Food Section Monica Bhide shows fans of “Slumdog Millionaire” what to eat and drink on Oscar night
(Might I suggest a hamburger? No, you’re sticking with the Indian thing? OK. How about a diaper? Yeah, eat a diaper. You’re better off.)
My fish eating another fish. Watch Video about Oscar,Fish,Pets by Metacafe.com.
(This is precisely what I hate about the internet. Watch my fish eat. Thanks, but I’d rather watch you cut yourself. Get to it.)
To truly celebrate the little golden man in style, your Oscar party tapas spread shouldn’t be just cheese and crackers. Fun, finger-size foods will …
(If you know what a tapas spread is … chances are great that the only crackers at the party will be the ones eating the cheese)
Oscar eats Dad’s hair!! picture published by ecpjm.
(Yeah, I really don’t know what to say here. I’m hoping that ‘Dad’s hair’ is some family specialty rather than it being Mom’s cooking sucks so hard that Oscar ate Dad’s toupee.)
Oscar eats a pear. Oscar loves his fruit … Tags: Oscar commane pear eating. Topics: Friends & Family. Duration: 00:00:06. Played: 653 time(s) …
(Again, kill yourself. Thanks.)
Oscar Eats It (excerpt). The sun was a big-hot, boiling ball, leering behind Cabanas Lola at 6:30 a.m., a malevolent burnt-orange presence with purple edges …
(I will eat nothing that can be described as big, hot, and purple that has balls. I leave that to others.)
Oscar started eating rice cereal about 6 weeks ago or so. Here’s a video clip of that … He started eating jars of organic baby food a couple weeks ago. …
(OK. It’s fine this time, it’s probably their first baby. If this is #2 or #3, kill yourself)
Maybe Mister Puck himself isn’t making your Oscar party hors d’oeuvres, but you can still serve up a stellar snack or two.
(That guy from the Real World with all the snot rockets? None for me thanks. I’ve just signed an exclusive deal to get all my forms of hepatitis from Tommy Lee.)
2 Responses to “Oscar Eats Hunger Strike for Human Rights”. RG Says: March 9th, 2006 at 10:42 am. Didn’t see that hunger strike for human rights covered …
(How does one eat a hunger strike? Did he eat someone on a hunger strike?)
Crazy…my oscar was about 2 inches long and I bought a 1 1/2 inch Rainbow Shark . After letting the new shark in I checked back about 45 minutes later …
(Odd, this Oscar is about nine inches long and he eats va-jay-jay (most disgusting word ever, primarily because I’ve heard Oprah use it))
The Search Terms Part Deux
I recently wrote an article about the search terms that people use to find this blog. It was called “The Search Terms”. I’ve already gotten enough new odd searches one short week later to justify a second article. Like I said, the internet is a strange place. Please feel free to refer back to the original article for the previous ones and my general search engine preamble.
The New Hotness:
1. “Tom & Magdalena” – yes. This one came up again. This refers to my story “Tom Finds and Loses His Way”. I’m still certain that they couldn’t have been looking for my fictional account of fucked up people’s lives.
2. “magdalina and tom” – It seems to be getting harder and harder to get away from these people. Who are they? Who is this real life Tom? Who is his real life Magdalena? I have no idea. As an attention whore, I’m glad that they exist.
3. “i´m an asshole i love magdalena and i left her” – OK. Are you guys just fucking with me on this one? Did one of the regular readers here search for this solely for the sake of amusing me? You rock if you did. But anyway … tragic. I guess.
4. Wii – Apparently, the Nintendo Wii is the internet’s new Ron Paul. It would seem to me that you only have to mention the Wii to get bombarded by traffic. I posted a review of the Wii last night. I now have at least half a dozen blogs and sites linking to me about it. Also, this search term has come up four times already. Really. I wonder how many of these are marketing people at Nintendo. Hookers. I can’t wait to see how many searches for “Nintendo+hookers” I get based on that.
5. “michael jackson” – Yeah, not sure why. This is from the first article. I can imagine that the only person still searching for Michael Jackson is Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson’s nose? That’s another story entirely. Nobody is ever going to find that. It’s the holy grail of the internet.
6. “angela paman” – This is too funny. Someone posted in the comments to the last article that all they get are searches for angela paman. Now they’re finding her on my blog. Nice Angela. The whole world is out to find you apparently. It couldn’t happen to a nicer girl, unless it was me. Wait … I’m not a … nevermind. I misspoke.
7. “bronson pinchot” – Balki is the motherfucking man. I, for one, am proud to be found under his name. You do kind of have to wonder who was searching for it though. Don’t get me wrong: I love Bronson (he’s 4 Stars on The Scale of Awesome™ after all), but I realize that the Balki in-crowd isn’t quite what it once was. Hmmm … interesting.
8. “baseball bat scale” – Your guess is as good as mine. I have no idea what this ass-clown was searching for. I have no idea what they found. It could’ve been the Wii review. I’m not sure. It raises interesting questions though. Were they searching for a scale that was shaped like a baseball bat? Perhaps a scale for weighing baseball bats? Possibly a rating scale that involved baseball bats? I have no idea, but that doesn’t keep me from being amused.
9. “pies in his face” – Really? Again? This, of course relates to the “Pie And Mortal Kombat” flash fiction that I wrote last month. Predictably, I’m shocked that people are searching for it AGAIN. Is there a huge resurgence of ‘pie in the face’ humor that I’m unaware of? Is the internet populated entirely by clowns? These are questions that I’d certainly like the answers to.
10. “gta-iv review disappointing”, “gta iv”, “gta iv is ok” – I grouped these three together because they’re all basically different spins on the same search. I’m almost certain that they got my (fake) review of GTA IV. It’s kind of funny though when you look at their different positions. There’s someone who wants to hear good things, someone who wants to hear bad things, and someone who just wants to hear anything. Sadly, I’d bet that my review didn’t help. Look, I was bored and it’s annoying that it’s all over the place. I got it off my chest. 
People are odd. I’m amused by it. There will be more later I’m sure.
The Search Terms
If there’s one thing that always amuses me about internet stat tracking, it’s the search terms that people use to find whatever it is that you’re doing. The real beauty of it is that the words don’t even have to be connected in most search engines to return your work as a result unless you surround it with quotes. For example: searching for the phrase “Michael Jackson penis pictures” without quotes will return articles about all sorts of things including but not limited to men named Michael, Michael Jackson, Michael Jackson’s penis, penises in general, etc. You must search with quotes if you are actually trying to find pictures of Michael Jackson’s penis [you WEIRDO]. I mention this by way of explanation: I don’t want you to think you missed my post about clown cock.
Search Terms Thus Far:
- “Techniques of writing blog” – Well, first off, if you’re consulting my blog for techniques on writing a blog … barking … trees … you get the point. This is a writing blog, so I guess that I get this one.
- “Pies in his face” – Ummm … Internet … you scare me. This refers of course to “Pie and Mortal Kombat” … so I guess that’s all good.
- “Tom and Magdalena” – Coincidentally, I wrote a story called “Tom Finds and Loses His Way” in which two of the characters are named Tom and Magdalena. It’s kind of amusing to think about what this poor person was searching for though when they stumbled onto a story about responsibility and abortion. Were they looking for a wedding registry/announcement? Perhaps the same but for a baby? God only knows, and I blame Him.
- “Mitt Romney” – Robots use computers now? I assume that they’re the only ones interested in him. In any event, that points to “The All-Important Fred Endorsement”. I get that. It makes sense (outside of who they were searching for … but I digress).
- “Im just a clown” – I’m sure that they meant “I’m” rather than “Im”; I’d hate to think that people are sitting around trying to find ways to become IM Buddies with clowns. This again is for “Pie and Mortal Kombat”. The real question here though, I think, is: What? Who’s sitting around insulting themselves via search engine? I’m just a clown? Do you have ED? Premature balding? Halitosis? Come on, keep it coming Emonet.
- “Held down and came in pants” – I really wish that I was making this one up. I’m not. The internet is full of sick, sick people. What the hell would make you search for that? I’m guessing that it relates to really twisted porn. I have no idea what story this pervert stumbled upon. I probably could find out by searching for that … but I don’t want to wind up on a FBI watch list; I’m not givin’ no stinkin’ DNA sample and that’s final.
In closing, the internet is a weird, weird place full of strange, strange people … and they fascinate me. I’ll likely report back on things like this from time to time.
