The English language is a funny thing. It’s beautiful, odd, and nuanced. Many things play a factor from the order in which you place the words to inflection to a variety of other things as well. Here are a few phrases that amuse me.
1. “I don’t have to defend myself to you.”
This amuses me for the simple fact that it’s entirely useless. Big waste of time. Why? Because this statement is always followed by the speaker defending themselves. Every. Single. Time. If you’d like to prove yourself to be the Mario Lopez of English speech, please use this phrase. Some day when I rule the world, all wastes of time will be outlawed and this phrase will go out with the rest.
2. “Mama didn’t raise no fools.”
No really, you’re an idiot. You’ve proven yourself wrong by your choice of words. Trust me; Word has spelling and grammar checking so I know these things. Honestly, what is this? Is it some desire to be folksy-clever? I don’t get it. Please don’t use it in my presence. I really don’t enjoy verbally bitch-slapping people, but I have no choice. It’s in my contract, if you will.
3. “Fuck me” or “Fuck me in the ass”
Is that an invitation? Could I be arrested if I take that literally? I’m speaking of the frustrated exclamation variants of these phrases. Quite obviously, “ohhh fuck me” is clearly an invitation and in some cases a plea to be fucked. “Fuck me!” and “Fuck me in the ass!” are a more thorny issue. I don’t understand. Please. Someone clear this up: does this mean that I can fuck you or not? I know that “no means no”, but does yes sometimes also mean no?
4. “Fuck you and the horse you rode in on!”
Wow, you really must not like me if you’re willing to fuck my horse too! Wait, you hate me so much that you’ll fuck me [and my horse]? I’m not sure that I understand the sentiment behind that. Is it that your self-esteem is so low that you think sex with you is a punishment? And what the hell did my horse do? If my horse is a stallion, does that make you gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
5. “Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!”
Really? Did you just hear the story I told you? It had nothing to do with me fucking a monkey, and come to think of it … you’re not my brother. You’re a liar and I hate you. I think I might need to fuck your horse.
