Here’s the thing: I’m a pretty simple dude. I don’t really ask for much. I don’t really need a lot. I need bacon, fountain soda, and porn. There you go: my desert island ‘what would you bring’ choices. As you can surmise, I begin this all with a reason.

I’ve been going to the gym, as I mentioned here. Lately, I’ve been going a lot. I’ve only taken one day off in the last week and a half or so. A problem has developed. I just don’t have enough shorts. I had two pairs (and one pair of wind pants perish the thought), one red and one black. I’m washing them every day; I’m not a dirtbag. Now I know this, but does everyone else? You see now? The need for more shorts. I prefer Adidas mesh Basketball shorts. In the spirit of my opening, it’s not a very exotic choice.

After picking up a white pair at my local JC Penney’s (Upstate NY is clearly a fashion hub - New York - London - Paris - Albany … if I just had a dollar for every shopping bag that’s embossed on …), I was unable to find another pair in an acceptable color. I’m not going to wear bright orange as I’m not a fucking pylon. I’m not going to wear periwinkle. Sorry dude, just not going to happen.

So I decided to head on over to adidas.com to check out the selection there. I figured it wouldn’t be that difficult to find a simple dark green or yellow pair. Perhaps even gray. Well, it was quite the ordeal. After getting lost in the shoe section for a bit (Superstar fetish), I finally made it over to the shorts. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Wicked confusing.

Now I thought it would be incredibly easy. Simple thing … Adidas Basketball shorts, preferably with stripes on the side. Fairly standard fare. Little did I know that there’s apparently a whole lot of science that goes into the Adidas shorts. They sell $80 shorts that have technology that hunts sweat like a hungry python in the jungle, complete with toothache pain-induced bad attitude. I found myself in this very bizarre world where I had to ask myself questions like “Do I want ClimaControl sweat protection or angry lion detective sweat protection?” Jeez, I don’t know. “What’s a split short?” “Wait, does fitted mean they’ll hug my nuts?”

You see the problem, of course, I had to wade through a river of exotic choices about sweat repellent and cut when I was just looking for THEIR MOST BASIC PAIR OF SHORTS. I did eventually find a few acceptable pairs, but God Lord that sucked.

I know that my whole problem is caused by a combination of my persnickety preferences and psychosis. Most people wouldn’t care whether or not strangers thought that they did laundry regularly. But I do, and at least I admit it.