The Rough Drafts Writing Blog

I’ve made a decision to periodically review products, good, services, odors, and meatloaf here at the Rough Drafts Writing Blog. “Good”, I think. “I will do that. But how?” How is definitely the question. I, Fred aka Mr. Fred aka The God of Fuck, needed to find a way to do this that would set me apart from every other asshole on the internet. So, what did I decide?

First off, I’m going to try to be fresh and inventive. I’m going to try to make the reviews amusing. I’ve read through many a stale review wondering (sometimes out loud and to the sky) why in the hell some banal idiot thinks that their opinion matters. Never fear, I plan to bring it.

Secondly, I decided that I needed a scale; something fair, amusing, and easy to follow. So I developed The Scale Of Awesome™. The Scale of Awesome™ would have to be so clear, so concise, that nobody would dare question it. I think I may have found the way (graphic follows).

What does all of this gobbledygook mean? How dare you question me? Erm … I mean … I’ll explain. OK, so I decided to go with a star system. I know what you’re thinking: how is that inventive? Well, I’ll tell you. Geez. Impatient. Each of the stars lets you know what the item that I’m reviewing is “the coolest thing since”.

5 Stars - Penicillin. The big one. If something gets a 5 Star, then it’s the coolest thing since Penicillin. Honestly, Penicillin rocks. We all live a lot longer because of it. People no longer die (in large numbers) of things like syphilis.

An item that gets 5 Stars makes me forget all about Alexander Fleming and his wacky mold concoctions. It makes me think things like “dying of syphilis wasn’t that bad right?” You will see this rating quite infrequently.

4 Stars - Bronson Pinchot. Are you kidding me? This guy (graphic below) is clearly one of the coolest men alive. If you ever meet me and get me drunk, and that is what we’ll do, I will likely reach a point where I pick out a man in the bar that looks like Balki and spend the rest of the night mocking him. Why do I mock him if BP is so awesome? Good question. It’s because he’s a low-rent impersonator. You don’t believe that I actually do this? Email me, and I’ll send you testimonials.

You will know that an item really made me do the “dance of joy” if you see me give it a rating of 4 Stars or above. Truly, there can be no other explanation.

3 Stars - Sliced Bread. The reason that things become clichés is that they’re either A) true OR B) incredibly awesome. Think about this for a moment. How fucking cool is sliced bread? Can you imagine being some shitbag thirteenth century peasant? You’d spend 20 minutes picking the fleas out of your beard and then be rewarded with a hunk of bread. You’d look at it as if to say “what the fuck” and then jam it in your mouth. Then you’d die a horrible, horrible death as you find yourself unable to get air down your throat. See what I’m saying? Sliced bread kind of kicks ass.

A 3 Star rating says that an item “kind of” kicks ass.

2 Stars - Happy endings. Just to clear it up at the top, I don’t mean when stories have a happy ending. I mean it the other way. I know, I know. You’re thinking. Happy ending? That sounds pretty cool. Think about it though. Seriously, take a second. Paying a terrified immigrant to milk your prostate is NOT cool. Clearly. You with me now? Good. I knew that you would be. If you’re not, I advise you to bathe in peroxide and cry for an hour. If you can’t cry, think for a bit on the mess that your life has become; that should do it.

A 2 Star rating means an item is sad and kind of pathetic. Alternatively, I considered calling the 2 Star rating Grey’s Anatomy.

1 Star - Pet Rock. If an item ever gets this rating, then clearly I’m saying that it sucks. Flat out. It’s horrible, putrid, unimaginative drivel. Given the choice, you would rather hit yourself in the head with a hammer than use or experience it. It is the lowest of the low, much like the Pet Rock.

Good Lord, who invented that shit anyway? That would be Gary Dahl (graphic below). Wikipedia informs me that he’s still alive so I probably shouldn’t ask you to kick him in the nuts if you should ever see him. I REALLY wish that I could.

In closing, I put some thought into this so I hope that you all like it. Feel free to provide me with suggestions. I’ll accept them or ignore them as the situation warrants.