Photos of San Francisco
I recently took a trip to San Francisco. These are photos from that trip.
Tonight’s Bulls and Celtics Game 7 (NBA Playoffs 2009)
The NBA Playoffs Round 1 series between the Celtics and the Bulls has been an amazing one so far. They’re through six games. Four of them have gone to overtime for a grand total of seven overtimes to this point. Each team has already played more overtime periods in six games than any team has in a single post-season ever. Tonight’s game (8:15 EST) should be a classic. I expect the Bulls to pull it out, but I’ve put together a list of five things that each team needs to do and watch in order to win. These are not to be the only five teams, or even arguably all of the most important, but they’re the ones I’ll have my eye on.
Things To Watch For:
Celtics
- Can they pick up Brad Miller? Yeah, I know. How are we even asking this question? No idea. Brad Miller is not a quick man. Give him the ball … his movements at that point can best be described as ‘glacial.’ In a few of the games to this point, including pivotal game six, Miller has made noise late in the game with quality looks at the basket picked up on horrifically slow drives. Is Miller the key for Chicago? Hardly. It’s more that he’s representative of the entire comprehensive strategy and effort of the Celtics D game in and game out.
- Now, let’s say the defense is performing well enough to stop Miller. Can they contest shots on Salmons and Gordon? Now, at some point (especially with Gordon), checking these guys doesn’t matter. Unconscious is unconscious. BUT … they still have to make it as hard as they can.
- Pierce or Allen? Pierce and Allen? It’s absolutely vital that the C’s win this game. It’s imperative that they try to get Pierce and Allen off in the same game. They’ve both had some great games this series. Hell, Allen’s coming off a 50+ point game. However, it wasn’t enough. They’re only running two of the ‘Big Three’ to begin with, and they need to make sure that they both perform.
- Rondo. For the love of God, don’t get thrown out of this game. The league has had to release a statement following the last two games saying that they weren’t going to suspend Rondo. And you know what? They should’ve. He’s acted like an asshole. But that’s another story entirely. For this story, it’s important that he have a good game. He’s been a strong constant in this series. That needs to continue.
- Strategy. Take the Bulls out of the game. They’re young. They should be able to be faded. Now, the Cs haven’t been able to do it yet, but this is game seven – in the Garden – defending champs. They need to do this. If they show the Bulls that they can hang with them in the first half, Vinnie’s going to give them the Rudy speech at halftime and walk them out of Boston with a victory. I promise.
Bulls
- Ben Gordon. Someone put a boot on that dude’s arm. Really. He CANNOT SHOOT THIRTY TIMES IN THIS GAME. They need him. He’s vital. But he needs to do his thing at THE END of the game. Seriously, they can’t sleep on this.
- Derrick Rose’s Defense. Today is the day you begin to play defense, young man. He’s been summarily smoked on the defensive end for the majority of the series to this point. He needs to get it together and shut Rondo down.
- Derrick Rose’s Offense. Frequently of late, he’s been playing at one speed. It’s a speed that he frequently can’t handle. He needs to go back to two speeds: the one where he’s holding the ball and dishing to open men and the one where he’s blowing by defenders on the way to the rim. He’s running in the middle of the two all the time. It’s causing turnovers and missed opportunities – brings home stops for the Celtics.
- Pierce’s elbow shot. Paul Pierce loves two shots more than any in the world. He loves the foul line elbow jumper from both the right and the left. It usually begins with his back to the basket. The Bulls have had ABSOLUTELY NO LUCK guarding this in this series. The only times they’ve gotten around it were because they were lucky and he missed. They need to stop this. I don’t care how, but it needs to go. He’ll kill them with this if they give it to him.
- Confidence. The Bulls are a young team. They need to go out there and keep it close until the half. They’ve seen that they can play with the Celtics over the last two weeks. They need to remember it today.
I cannot wait to watch this game. THIS is where amazing happens.
2009 NBA Playoff Predictions
Another NBA regular season comes to a close, and it was a good one. The playoff picture looks exciting as well. I’m actually predicting that a seven seed will make their conference final. I can’t wait to see it. Picks and explanations follow:
Round One:
Starting in the Eastern Conference:
1. Cleveland(#1) vs. Detroit(#8) – Cleveland is going to be way too much for Detroit in this one. Something tells me that Detroit is already looking forward to the cap space created by the Iverson deal and a few other things (expiring Sheed contract, etc) – something like $22M for next season. That should buy them some coachable talent. Right now, they have some talent (mostly in the form of players that have left their best days behind them), plenty of ego, but no chemistry. Cleveland could sit Lebron and Mo Williams and take this series without much difficulty.
Prediction: Cleveland in 4
2. Boston(#2) vs. Chicago (#7) – Boston is missing Kevin Garnett and I think it’s going to prove to be too much to overcome. The Bulls seem to be coming together, and I think Derrick Rose is going to have a special series. It’s not going to be easy, but I expect a Bulls win.
Prediction: Chicago in 6
3. Orlando(#3) vs. Philadelphia(#6) – Philadelphia just isn’t very good. Orlando is. Also, Orlando has overcome a lot of adversity this year showing that they have the talent and heart to win this very easy opening round series.
Prediction: Orlando in 5
4. Atlanta(#4) vs. Miami(#5) – I really wish they could both win. I like watching each of them and they could provide some later round excitement in another situation. Unfortunately this time, they’re fighting to be the team taken out in Round 2 by the Cavs. I’m going to go with Miami in a hard-fought series. I think that Dwayne Wade will drag them to victory. He’s been doing it all season. This first round loss will be no negative mark against the Hawks though, they’re just going to find out how tough it is to beat D Wade.
Prediction: Miami in 7
And in the Western Conference…
1. Los Angeles (#1) vs. Utah (#8) – Utah’s having an off season. I don’t think it matters anyway, LA is going to steam roll through the West anyhow. Easy victory.
Prediction: LA in 5
2. Denver(#2) vs. New Orleans (#7) – Here’s the thing: Chris Paul is really good. The question is … is he good enough to take out Denver with, let’s say, less than adequate players around him? I think there’s a chance. The Hornets are a better free throw shooting team. This has a chance to be key in a series between these teams. Denver wasn’t a whole lot better during the regular season – they finished five games better than the Hornets. It’s going to be hard fought, but I’m going with the Hornets.
Prediction: New Orleans in 7
3. San Antonio (#3) vs. Dallas (#6) – This one’s simple for me. The Spurs are without Manu Ginobli, and Dallas is pulling it all together down the stretch. San Antonio will pull two victories from all of the championship experience that they have, but will fall short.
Prediction: Dallas in 6
4. Portland (#4) vs. Houston (#5) – I don’t think Portland is there yet. They’re going to own the future in the West. Someday. For now, I’m predicting that Houston will get out of the first round for the first time since they drafted T Mac … without T Mac. Good on you, Ron Artest.
Prediction: Houston in 6
Round Two:
In the Eastern Conference …
1. Cleveland (#1) vs. Miami (#5) – This series is going to be epic. Lebron and D Wade will do battle to see who gets to advance to the next round. Depth will be the key for the Cavaliers as the superstars essentially cancel one another out. Cleveland has enough players that they don’t really lose anything by having anyone (except Lebron) on the bench. Miami won’t be able to compete with that. I think Cleveland wins relatively quickly, but that it’s closer than the count suggests. Look for Miami to be a larger threat each year as Michael Beasley develops.
Prediction: Cleveland in 5
2. Orlando(#3) vs. Chicago(#7) – This is where the Derrick Rose little-engine-that-could runs out of steam. This series will be an awesome showcase for Rose and some of the younger talent the Bulls have. They’ll be a force given a few more pieces, time, and a better coach. Orlando just has too much experience and too many weapons.
Prediction: Orlando in 6
In the Western Conference …
1. Los Angeles (#1) vs. Houston(#5) – This is where post-season life returns to normal in Houston. The Lakers are going to shellac them. I’m not sure they’ll even bother to show up for game four. This still though, will be better than another post-season with T Mac.
Prediction: LA in 4
2. Dallas(#6) vs. New Orleans(#7) – This battle of improbables is going to go to New Orleans. I think Chris Paul will be able to overpower the aging, and by this point tired and flagging, Mavs. So the “I got my ass handed to me in the Western Conference Finals” t-shirt will be waiting for the Hornets.
Prediction: New Orleans in 7
Semi-Finals
In the Eastern Conference…
1. Cleveland(#1) vs. Orlando(#3) – Cleveland is going to use this series to send a message to the Lakers.
Reasons they’re going to stomp Orlando:
1. Depth – they’ve had injury problems like everyone else this season, but it’s never held the Cavs back. They have that much talent.
2. Chemistry – Cleveland has some of the best chemistry in the league. The players all seem to create for one another and get into each other’s successes. There’s only one really selfish shooter on the team (Daniel Gibson).
3. Defense – Cavs have some of the best defense in the league. They even defend the three point line well, which should prove troubling to Orlando.
4. 3 Pointers – Orlando relies too much on them. Streaks and inconsistency will lead to problems that they can’t overcome.
5. Talent – Their talent is just overwhelming. Lebron, Mo Willaims, Big Z … it’s going to be a bloodbath.
Prediction: Cleveland in 4
In the Western Conference …
1. Los Angeles(#1) vs. New Orleans(#7) – This one continues the theme of the Lakers facing no real challenges before the Finals. They have too much depth and talent to lose to the Hornets. The Hornets go home happy though having maxmized their talents and abilities better than anyone could’ve expected.
Prediction: LA in 5
The Finals
1. Cleveland(#1) vs. Los Angeles(#1) – The series that everyone has been waiting for delivers. Most people have been predicting this result for a good portion of the season. Kobe and Lebron will duel. Lebron will come out on top.
Cleveland wins because:
1. Lebron’s game is more complete. He’s one of the most well-rounded players ever. Kobe falls short.
2. The Cavs defense is too strong.
3. The Cavs are much tougher. The games will be physical and (as Boston showed us last year) LA can’t stand up to that.
4. Lebron and his teammates want it more. Lebron’s focused on the single goal. His teammates know that winning will keep him there. Simple.
Both of these teams will fight hard and perform quite well, but the Cavs will come out on top.
Prediction: Cavs in 6
It’s going to be a great post-season. I can’t wait to see Lebron holding the trophy at the end of it. He’ll certainly deserve it.
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The Greetings Of The Season
Hello Friend, Acquantaince, Family Member, Awkward Co-Worker:
I wish you a Happy Easter. Easter is indeed a time to celebrate. This day sits in a exalted place above all other Seasons of Lies. It dwarves Christmas, the holiday that was moved to convert pagans, and Thanksgiving, which isn’t actually a happy time for the fowl of the yard. It even surpasses Columbus Day, the day to celebrate one jackass ‘discovering’ a continent that a bunch of other jackasses already lived on. Or perhaps Columbus Day celebrates genocide and rape? I’m not sure.
In any event, if you’re receiving this email you can rest assured that you’re one of my closest friends, relatives, co-workers, or acquantainces. Or you might be that guy that molested my uncle. In any event …
Easter is the largest lie for several reasons:
This is the season …
IN WHICH
A man, who likely didn’t exist, rose from the grave after being executed. And I’m not talking about Jason Voorhees. OH NO, I’m not. I’m talking about Jesus (pronounced hey-soos), the son of the one that lives in the sky and doesn’t exist. But he does love us. And how do I know? Rainbows. And poems about footprints carved into wood.
So this Jesus character defies the laws of man, god, and science and rises from the dead. OK, I’ll buy that. Sure. Let’s say I do. So after coming back to life, he doesn’t rest. He doesn’t break the fuck out. He spends the next forty days wandering around letting dipshits stick their fingers into his wounds. RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT. First of all, what kind of assholes are you hanging out with that they’d stick a finger into your wound? I wouldn’t be able to get one of you people to stick your finger in my mouth if I were choking. Secondly, they just killed you – why don’t you leave town? This story has plot holes that Michael Bay would love to drive a truck through. Silly.
Oh, but you’re thinking, you could argue this about every religious holiday. Lots of us disagree about religion. You’re right, really, you are. For instance, our Jewish friends are now celebrating Passover, a holiday that celebrates EXACTLY what it sounds like it celebrates. Literal religion, that Judaism. But Easter’s insanity doesn’t end with the religious aspects. If it did, it’d likely fall further down the list.
This is also the season …
IN WHICH
A giant bunny travels the earth delivering candy and hiding eggs to celebrate the death of the Jesus. I know that this is well-traveled territory BUT … there are lots of problems with this one too.
1. How does a bunny lie eggs?
2. How does this bunny get around the Earth? I bring this up because Santa Claus at least has a sleigh and magic reindeer. The motherfucking Easter Bunny travels around the Earth ON FOOT in one night, breaks into all of those houses, doesn’t get harassed by the police, and then has time to HIDE EGGS.
3. What the hell do bunnies have to do with crucifixion? That’s the real question here. What connects one set of lies to the other, aside from commerce?
This is also the season …
IN WHICH
We’re encouraged to tell the bunny lie to our children … to teach them something about Christianity … which encourages people to lie to one another and IGNORE PLOT HOLES.
I don’t know what to say … enjoy it, I guess. Next year, as we all sit around fanning our hands around the garbage can fire that our economy has become … all these lies will comfort us.
I Go In Peace
-O
Pro Tips: Guide To Surviving a Trip To ‘Large Retailer’
Times are tough. People all over America warm themselves nightly with fires started with the deeds to their homes or the stocks that they planned to save for their retirement. Someone, somewhere, at this very moment, is skinning little Johnny’s pet rabbit so that the family can once again eat a meal that doesn’t involve Pop Tarts.
In times like these, you need to save money however you can. In most cases, there is an inverse relationship between the amount of money saved and the pleasantness of your shopping experience; that is to say that if you’re saving a lot of money – chances are that you won’t have fun doing it. I’ve prepared a graph of this relationship (below).
Shopping for your groceries at ‘Large Retailer’ will provide you with such an opportunity. If you plan ahead and keep a few things in mind, you’ll survive. Many of these rules are similar to the Pro Tips Guide To Surviving A Zombie Apocalypse.
1. The people that you will encounter are unlike any you’ve ever seen before. This rule is negated and the passage about it can be skipped if you grew up in a trailer park.
The average ‘Large Retailer’ shopper has the IQ of a Dixie cup. They will understand nothing that doesn’t involve chewing tobacco, Nascar, or Toby Keith. Try to learn a little about each before going so that you’re prepared if the worst happens and you need to communicate with one of them.
For instance:
You can’t get your cart through the aisle because Jimbo is bent over, with his ass hanging out, reading a magazine. You could say:
“Excuse me, sir. May I pass?”
This will be ignored. Instead, you must say something like:
“Hey there, good buddy. I’m going to leave some of my paint on your fender if I try to pass you on the right.”
It may not be completely “in dialect,” but it should be close enough to get him to slide his cart to the side so that you can pass.
2. When you arrive at ‘Large Retailer’, park across the street.
It may seem counter-intuitive, but parking across the street will actually save you a lot of time. Seemingly apropos of item number one, the parking lots at ‘Large Retailer’ are designed by chimpanzees with methamphetamine problems. The upper management of ‘Large Retailer’ love irony. All of the lanes are usually arranged at odd angles that make turning in and out of them even more difficult. This compounds the problems that arise from the facts that ‘Large Retailer’ is always busy and that the people that shop there are retarded (see number one). It can become quite congested. With a little planning at the outset, and a spot across the street, you can save yourself time and irritation.
3. Bring an MP3 player and headphones.
I would’ve said ‘bring your iPod’, but I know that many of the self-congratulatory assholes that use MP3 players that aren’t iPods are quite proud of themselves. Way to go douche, you found the one that Altec Lansing (or whatever) puts out. Anyway …
The MP3 player is essential. You have no idea now, but you’ll thank me as soon as you get there. As I stated in point number one, you do not want to communicate with these people. The headphones will allow you to pass off grunting for language; conversations with these people aren’t all that different from grunting anyhow.
Also, you won’t have to hear their conversations. I forgot my headphones once. I’ll never get those ten IQ points back. Taking this simple step will allow you to avoid all of the inanity and ridiculousness of the average shopper. You’ll even avoid hearing the sound of the trash beating their children; you’ll still see it, but it’s not like you can blind yourself (though that would help) so I guess you’re stuck with that.
4. Make yourself a scary shirt.
Now, this is an important one. It must be grungy and homemade. It must point out to everyone around you that you are not to be trifled with. These cretins feed on fear. You must show none. You must make them afraid of you. You must make it look like you’ve painted on a wall in a pregnant woman’s blood before. This is the most important thing that you need to do. There’s no other way. They will take advantage of you if you do not do this. You want the last box of Fruit Roll-ups? Tough shit, Cletus is taking it. And what are you going to do about it? Exactly.
I’ve included some shots of my scary shirt (below).
This is the front:
This is the back:
5. Wear comfortable shoes.
You’re going to spend a lot of time standing around, whether it be in the aisles or while waiting to checkout. It’s necessary to avoid blisters at all costs. It’s bad enough to have to deal with shopping at ‘Large Retailer’ without them.
DO NOT WEAR FLIP FLOPS OR CROCS. They will think that you’re one of them. This will encourage conversation and you do not want that. You know nothing of septic tanks or sister-fucking so it can only end in disaster.
6. Wear a backpack.
It seems like you wouldn’t want to carry anything on your back. You’d think it would make your experience less pleasant. What it actually will do is serve to form a buffer for you. It’s going to be crowded. Space will be at a premium. A backpack will guarantee you a bit more personal space as you travel down the aisles.
You can avoid the back pain that comes with carrying a heavy load by packing the backpack full of Styrofoam. This will give you the minimum amount of weight for the space. Like my uncle Scrooge McDuck used to say: ‘work smarter, not harder.’
7. Learn to scowl like a mentally ill person.
Like I’ve pointed out previously (see number four), the average ‘Large Retailer’ shopper feeds on fear. You must develop a look that tells them that you are the kind of person that has drawn a picture in feces before. It is also critical that you learn to hold the look for long periods of time.
Also, make sure that you run it by at least one or two of your friends. It is imperative that these are friends that you can trust to tell you the truth. If they lie to you because they think it’s funny, that’s not going to help. This look should scare the shit out of your friends. If it doesn’t, you aren’t ready yet. It’s time for more practice, practice, practice.
8. Carry a concealed weapon (Texas only)
It may come down to combat. This is just an avoidable fact of life when you decide to shop at ‘Large Retailer’. If you’re shopping at a ‘Large Retailer’ location in Texas, make sure to bring a concealed weapon. A pistol is ideal, but a large knife will work if you’re not a gun person. While it is legal in Texas to carry a rocket launcher or an axe, the management of ‘Large Retailer’ will not allow you to bring one in unless you’re buying a television that is larger than fifty inches.
Just know, and make sure that you’re able to cut a bitch if you have to. Shopping there may come to that. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “I’m not a violent person. This doesn’t apply to me.” I used to think that as well. Four years later, I wear an ear necklace made entirely from ears I took in skirmishes at ‘Large Retailer’.
In conclusion, shopping at ‘Large Retailer’ can save you some money in this tough economic climate. You must keep some things in mind though. The most important thing to remember is that you’re going to have to plan and consider the differences that you have with the others that you come across.
Good Luck!
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Soul For Sale, Priced To Move
This advertisement is for one gently-used, tenderly-loved soul. It’s been through a number of relatively short term leases to this point, and I feel as though it’s time for a permanent owner. It’s a bit blackened around the edges, but otherwise presents as a genuinely new fresh-out-of-the-box soul. Unforunately, I can’t provide photos at the moment because my camera is broken. Trust me though, it’s nere-cherry.
I expect this to garner a lot of interest so get your offer in today. All offers will be subject to credit check or request for cash up front.
Please email offers and questions to oscarmonteforte@gmail.com.
Please no nude photos. I’m disinterested in barter.
Must be a non-smoker.
Marlboro Nights
I’m sitting in my room on the fifth floor of the Best Western in Marlboro, Massachusetts. Aside from waiting for tomorrow, I’m trying to amuse myself by thinking of better names for a city than Marlboro. So far, my answer is: everything but Blumpkinville, which incidentally is in Arkansas. I’m ready to declare that this is not, in fact, flavor country.
I’m really only doing this to avoid being disturbed by my room. It has this if Amityville were a trailer park appeal to it that I uh … just can’t abide.
I was a little scared coming into this. I made my reservation myself so I knew I’d be here. “But”, I thought, “how bad could it be?” I remember staying in places that were $30 a night back in my younger days. “You’re acting like a douche”, I told myself, “it’s the Best Western in Marlboro, it’s not like it’s the Super 8 in Kabul.” So I was going to buck up and make a go of it. “Don’t be so bourgeois”, I said to myself. I always book my travel in a beret.
As I went to the hotel tonight, I felt a mixture of emotions: fear, embarrassment, trepidation. I was twitching ever so slightly. I was happy to realize that it was a convention center. For some reason, this made me feel like it had to be a bit better than the average Best Western. I’m not sure if the Lord works in mysterious ways, but I know that my mind does.
I parked my car feeling a bit better about my prospects. I walked up to the door and I was excited to see that they had a rotating door. Somehow, the rotating door confirmed my feeling that this might, just might be not horrible. Nutty. Like I said.
I noticed the fountain as I entered the lobby. Now I was excited. I was right, you see, it has a fountain and (holy fuck) a bar. I was right about that convention center thing. I checked in at the front desk and it took less than ninety seconds. By this point, I’d already mentally booked Best Westerns for all of my future business travel.
Then one really minor thing happened. This is going to sound horrible, but fuck you, I travel a lot so I get to be a baby about one thing. I made one single request: a room on a lower level. My room was on the fifth floor. “SO WHAT”, I thought. “Who cares? This place has a fountain, and it’s a convention center. Fucking hell, they even have a bar.”
So I take the elevator upstairs. At this point, I’ve let the floor thing go. I’m happy, all is right with the world. I open the door to the room. I don’t want to say that it stunk, but it has an odor. It’s not quite Bea Arthur’s vagina, but it might be Sally Field’s. “OK”, I think, “it’s just a tiny odor. Who cares?” As it turns out, I do.
After the odor, the second thing that I notice is that the bed is practically on the floor. There are hotels where you don’t need a ladder to climb into bed? Apparently so.
The bathroom floor is green tile. The tiles are all faded and cracked. Frankly, this reminds me of all of the other people that have stood there bare-footed. I really don’t want to think about this.
Then I notice that the television buttons are all worn back to black. Immediately, the mental image I get is of some semi-homeless, toothless man, hands covered in semen turning off the TV. It doesn’t exactly make me want to eat dinner without washing my hands six or seven times.
Then I notice the really old couch and chair in the room. It’s the kind of furniture that you have when you’re nineteen and you get that first apartment off campus. It has a cat piss smell that will never come out and a color pattern that hasn’t been sold in a store since Betty White had her own teeth.
The carpet is stained and faded. I wonder what color it used to be. There’s no way, really, to tell. The faux marble end tables are streaky. I really don’t want to think about what they’re streaked with. The ‘desk’ is actually a tiny little kitchen table for sad, old bachelor shut-ins; there’s barely room on it for both my laptop and my keys. The desk chair? Wicker. Yeah. The table top? Glass. What would I be doing at this table? Working on my computer. What doesn’t work on glass surfaces? That’s right, optical mice. I’m presently using the room service menu as a mouse pad. And it’s not like an optical mouse is the space shuttle. I mean, they should’ve seen this coming, no? I’m sitting here typing this in the dark because I had to unplug all of the lights to plug in my computer and charge my phone. YEAH. No bullshit.
Naturally, I felt gross so I took a shower. It was like… you know when you’re a kid and you kink the hose so that your brother will investigate and then you let go and he gets it in the face? The water pressure was like that. It was choppy and uneven; much like a garden hose with a kink in it. I’m thinking of asking for a note from the front desk in the morning. “We’re sorry that this man smells so badly. It’s impossible to shower here. Sincerely, Earl.”
So the place is scurvy and inadequate. Everywhere I look, I see drunken business men having unprotected anal sex with hookers. Messy anal, the kind where brown, viscous lube winds up everywhere … like on the carpet or the couch. After all, this place is a convention center.
Look, the truth is simple. I’ve been traveling on business a lot lately. I’ve gotten used to a better class of hotel. And so this feels inferior and oddly crunchy. Imagine that you had dated Britney Spears when she was eighteen. It would ruin your fucking life. You’re never going to be happy again, because every woman that you’re ever with after is going to feel like a busted tranny by comparison. You’d be better off dating amputees; hell, you might even wind up feeling lucky. It’s the same for me. If I’d never been to a Starwood or a Marriot property, I wouldn’t mind the occasional night at the Best Western. To be quite honest, this is instructive; I’ll avoid hotels nicer than the Marriot from now on. Imagine how much of a come down it would feel like after a night at the Four Seasons or the Mandarin Oriental.
Oscar Likes To Eat…
I was tagged to do this by someone on Facebook. I googled my name and the random verb “eats”. These are the first 10 things that come up. My smartass comments are in parens.
Oscar Eats With An Indian Twist. Friend of The Food Section Monica Bhide shows fans of “Slumdog Millionaire” what to eat and drink on Oscar night
(Might I suggest a hamburger? No, you’re sticking with the Indian thing? OK. How about a diaper? Yeah, eat a diaper. You’re better off.)
My fish eating another fish. Watch Video about Oscar,Fish,Pets by Metacafe.com.
(This is precisely what I hate about the internet. Watch my fish eat. Thanks, but I’d rather watch you cut yourself. Get to it.)
To truly celebrate the little golden man in style, your Oscar party tapas spread shouldn’t be just cheese and crackers. Fun, finger-size foods will …
(If you know what a tapas spread is … chances are great that the only crackers at the party will be the ones eating the cheese)
Oscar eats Dad’s hair!! picture published by ecpjm.
(Yeah, I really don’t know what to say here. I’m hoping that ‘Dad’s hair’ is some family specialty rather than it being Mom’s cooking sucks so hard that Oscar ate Dad’s toupee.)
Oscar eats a pear. Oscar loves his fruit … Tags: Oscar commane pear eating. Topics: Friends & Family. Duration: 00:00:06. Played: 653 time(s) …
(Again, kill yourself. Thanks.)
Oscar Eats It (excerpt). The sun was a big-hot, boiling ball, leering behind Cabanas Lola at 6:30 a.m., a malevolent burnt-orange presence with purple edges …
(I will eat nothing that can be described as big, hot, and purple that has balls. I leave that to others.)
Oscar started eating rice cereal about 6 weeks ago or so. Here’s a video clip of that … He started eating jars of organic baby food a couple weeks ago. …
(OK. It’s fine this time, it’s probably their first baby. If this is #2 or #3, kill yourself)
Maybe Mister Puck himself isn’t making your Oscar party hors d’oeuvres, but you can still serve up a stellar snack or two.
(That guy from the Real World with all the snot rockets? None for me thanks. I’ve just signed an exclusive deal to get all my forms of hepatitis from Tommy Lee.)
2 Responses to “Oscar Eats Hunger Strike for Human Rights”. RG Says: March 9th, 2006 at 10:42 am. Didn’t see that hunger strike for human rights covered …
(How does one eat a hunger strike? Did he eat someone on a hunger strike?)
Crazy…my oscar was about 2 inches long and I bought a 1 1/2 inch Rainbow Shark . After letting the new shark in I checked back about 45 minutes later …
(Odd, this Oscar is about nine inches long and he eats va-jay-jay (most disgusting word ever, primarily because I’ve heard Oprah use it))
5 Methods For Beating Apathy
A less talented writer would begin this article by informing you that dictionary.com defines apathy as the “absence or suppression of passion, emotion, or excitement.” I won’t do that. I am above that, Dear Reader, and frankly … you are as well. Nay, I shall begin by pointing to my own incredible apathy of late. I’ve been so apathetic at times that I’m even apathetic about apathy, which is like dancing about architecture in many ways.
I know that many of you suffer from this horrific condition. In 2008 alone, nearly 285 million Americans admitted to being bored by the fuckery of everyday life. Boredom is one of the principal signs of apathy; the second being that you just don’t give a shit that you’re bored.
We’ll get onto the tips and beat this together.
5 Methods For Beating Apathy
You can do these in order. You can skip around. To be totally honest, I don’t care.
1. Admit that you are powerless over apathy and that there’s really no point … to any of this. That’s right, kids – wrap yourself up in the cozy blanky called Despair and settle in for the night.
2. Make a deal with yourself. It’s time to do something, anything. It doesn’t even matter what it is. This step is alternately called Settling or Bargaining. This is responsible for 98% of Deal or No Deal’s ratings.
3. Put on that thing that you recorded during Shark Week; that awesome one about the flying great whites of South Africa. You’ve been meaning to get to it. This is your chance. Substitution is power.
4. Take a bunch of pills. Desperation might not kill you, but at least it’ll make those cartoons just that much funnier.
5. I’ve honestly never gotten past step number four. Well, there are two ways for you to look at this. The first way is “oh shit, I’m fucked.” The second way would be to actually figure out a way to beat it. Please email me if you do.
